So I'm not quite sure how this update is going to sound or what it's going to say even. I know that in the past 11 days a lot of things have gone through my mind and I have been dealing with them. A few of you know these things and know them to the full extent while most of you do not. I'm the kind of person that thinks and thinks deeply and usually stays within my mind and don't voice things to people or very many people.
When I was in high school, mainly freshman and sophomore year I suffered with depression. Only 2 people and my team know partly about this now, (before you all) but I never told people about it, it was a suffering that happened within me and I didn't want anyone to know. (Before we go further, I am fine now, God really helped me through it and depression hasn't occurred since.)
The feeling of depression came from insecurities, of feeling worthless, not having a boyfriend and not feeling beautiful enough; hearing comments about being fat (or big boned or whatever you want to call it), short jokes, blonde jokes, you name it. Basically, I felt very inadequate and worthless. To top it off, the world was saying I needed to look a certain way and dress a certain way to be beautiful. Also, it felt like the Christian community (EVEN though they said you should wait for marriage and so on and so forth), pushed marriage and dating upon me. It felt and sometimes still feels like I'm in a never ending struggle with the race to "find a Godly man" and marry and have babies. These are all feelings I face and still face on occasion.
Being here on this trip, on Acts 1:8 I feel like I get to grow closer to God everyday, I feel shut off from the outside world and I'm around my team all the time, so I'm getting uplifted and encouraged. Everyone is called to a different life story, and mine is still unfolding. I'm still struggling with whether I'm ever going to get married or even if I'm called to a life of singleness. I've heard so many times, the verse "God will give you the desires of your heart"; HOWEVER my agenda is not God's, my will is not His. And people have told me if the desire to get married is in me then they believe it will happen. I'm not completely sure. Just because the desire is there does not mean I'm meant to get married. Would I like to? YES!!! Do I want to??? ABSOLUTELY!!! But right now I'm called to grow closer to God.
I've longed for so long to be completely focused on him and a million percent in complete mysterious, wonderful, passionate, intimate love with him. I feel like at this moment, that's why I'm on this trip to REFALL head over heels in love with Christ. There could be a million other reasons I'm on this trip too.
In the book "Sacred Romance" by John Eldredge, he says:
"Romance has most often come to us in the form of two deep desires: the longing for adventure that REQUIRES something of us, and the desire for intimacy - to have someone truly know us for ourselves..."
I've been given an adventure of a lifetime that is so hard to explain to anyone else, and I have this desire for someone to know me (but no one will ever know me that well, EXCEPT for Christ- as an example of the lady at the well John 4:1-42, specifically where she says "Come see a man who has told me everything I ever did." which only indicates that God is the only one who can ever FULLY know us).
Then, in the same book, Eldredge uses a quote from C.S. Lewis that says:
"All the things that have ever deeply possessed your soul have been but hints of it (the romance) - tantalizing glimpses, promises never quite fulfilled, echoes that died away just as they caught your ear. But if it should really become manifest - if there ever came an echo that did not die away but swelled into the sound itself - you would know it." I'm waiting for whatever the plan (decision) is to swell into the sound itself.
Part of our devotion time is reading Oswald Chambers "My Utmost for His Highest", and on June 9th's reading it says: " We will have yearnings and desires for certain things, and even suffer as a result of their going unfulfilled, but not until we are at the limit of desperation will we ask."
And it all just makes me think about this situation, marriage or a life of singleness; I want to get married one day, but I don't want to waste my time on it if it's not going to happen; and this summer is meant for growing closer to God. It might be something I could "suffer" of even, a longing all my life and it never happen because it's not meant to happen.
There's so much going on inside my head I could probably write about it for the rest of my life.
Then there's this whole idea, maybe even dream, I'm not sure what it is yet. I have had thoughts for a long time since junior year of high school of adopting one day. The number of kids has grown to a certain number and stayed there for about a year. My hope is that one day I could adopt 20 kids (not just out of the U.S., but IN the U.S. as well). I want to adopt them and start a school where they have a family and learn TRUTH and not just the stuff public schools or private schools teach but TRUTH and the LOVE of Christ. Let me also say, I do NOT NEED a husband to do this with. Yes, it would be helpful, but go to kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com and it is a girl around my age who has done close to the same thing and is not married. Like I said, I don't know what this really looks like or means but its something on my heart.
I guess the main thing is that I ask you all to be praying that I will guard my heart this summer from anything and everything. Right now, it's meant solely for God, and there is not a space for someone else to be in. I don't know if I'm completely right or maybe way off base on this, but these are things and struggles I'm facing and thinking about.
Again, a lot has been going through my mind and I could talk about this for the rest of my life but at the moment I need to sleep since we have an early and LONG day tomorrow.
~Anna
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